Lots of pics

"He looks so sweet!" - Me every 5 seconds on Saturday once the sono tech was finally able to get pictures of Gavin.

His perfect hand

His sweet face - he TOTALLY looks like Silas

His sweet face some more

"Here, mommy, this will make you feel better." Silas handing me a toy while I was laying on the table because he thought I was sick. (All together now, "AWE!")

Silas at Steak & Shake prior to the sono

Yesterday, I cleaned and put together a swing.  I want "mom of the year" based solely on the fact that I put it together and it works.  I'm serious.  I was sweating when it was all said and done.  Sweating in an air conditioned house.  And, again, I used tools.

The proof that I made it happen - ugly blue carpet and all

All I talk about lately is my boys.  That's because for all my whining and complaining and joking, I really love being a mom.  When I get caught up thinking about everything that has gone wrong in my life, all it takes is focusing in on my two boys to know that I am blessed beyond measure.  They bring me so much joy (even the one who isn't here yet), and I love them more than I could ever, ever put into words.

Tomorrow I take my 3 hour gestational diabetes test (sigh).  Friday begins the count down in single-digit weeks!!!!

Happy Monday, guys.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire.

You remember how I was all "it was so weird picking my baby's birthday off a calendar...blah, blah, blah" and how I was put off by it at first but then remembered it was my grandmother's birthday and got pretty excited? So, it's been all November 1 this and November 1 that?  And my annoying countdown every Thursday because he was supposed to be born on a Thursday?  And how last week I flat out asked Mr. Hottie Doctor if that date was firm and he said yes?  AND HE'S A BIG FAT LIAR?

SOMEONE SCREWED UP MY KID'S BIRTHDAY. (sigh)

This morning, I faxed Mr. Hottie Doctor's coordinator all my paperwork for my job for her to fill out and return.  She promptly called me to inform me, "your c-section is not on the calendar.  Let me call and see if Labor & Delivery still has November 1 available."

(so much terrible hold music while I fume)

"I'm sorry.  I called L&D and you definitely were not on the schedule for November 1, and the first day we have available is November 2.  Will that work?"

Seriously?  Will that work?  Do I have any choice in the matter, really?  (I don't, so I cried about it and text ALL of the women I know to complain).

Mr. Hottie Doctor is definitely on my shit list right now.

So, add a day to the countdown.  Gavin's birthday is now scheduled for 9 am on November 2.

I can use tools and stuff

Last night, I broke out the tools (a screwdriver is a tool, thankyouverymuch) and made short work of putting together a bouncer and a cradle for Gavin.

Bouncer

             

Sleeper

They're huge and take up 3/4's of my small bedroom, but they're also completely adorable, and I cannot wait to see him in them.  Plus, how much am I rocking this single mom thing?  Screwdrivers and putting stuff together and the house is still standing and no one is bleeding.  I. am. rocking. this.

Tomorrow is 3D sonogram day!  Pictures on Monday.

Also, I'm pretty sure my dog is going to make me a grandmother (weird) this weekend.  I'm going to have to do a giveaway on the blog soon.  The prize being a free puppy, obviously.

I love my life.  Happy Friday!  Ten more weeks to go!  (Told you about the countdown) That is all.

Some good news

YOU GUYS?!

Want to know how many pounds I gained for this entire month?  Are you ready for this?

0 pounds.

Yep, you read that right.  NO POUNDS. 

So, maybe there is something to be said for not having anyone around to make midnight ice cream runs for you?  Because then you just feel sorry for yourself and watch bad TV while your (also pregnant) dog tries really hard to lick the tears off your face, but YOU DON'T EAT.  (Side topic: anyone want an ugly puppy for Halloween?)

Also, Mr. Hottie Doctor (have I even told you guys how hot my doctor is?  So. Hot.) told me that he needs to see me again in two weeks.  So, we're at the every other week visits already.  

Insanity, right?  This kid's beautiful face is going to be plastered all over your Facebook newsfeed in no time flat.

Today is a good day.  Today I see the light at the end of this weird, weird tunnel.  Today I am so very happy and grateful for my life.

(Soak it up because tomorrow I'll probably just be cranky and bat shit crazy again.)

ELEVEN MORE WEEKS

I think I'm ready to start driving you guys nuts.  I seem to have started a countdown two weeks ago, and I'm just going to keep it up, because ELEVEN MORE WEEKS!

There's nothing much new happening other than me getting bigger and bigger.

Silas is starting to act like a three-year-old.  There's a lot of shaking his head no and refusing to cooperate lately.  It's not much different from how he's been his whole life.  He's just sporting his defiant attitude with slightly more confidence these days.

That's not to say he doesn't have moments where he's so sweet it breaks my heart.  Perfect, that one is.  Keeps me on my toes.  Makes me want to pull my hair out.  Cracks me up constantly.  Melts my heart every day.

I can't wait to see what he's like as a big brother!  In ELEVEN MORE WEEKS!!!!!!

7 month baby belly

Next weekend (25th), my mom, my aunt and I will descend on the 3D sonogram place and squeal over all the cuteness that is Gavin.  Obviously, I'll post a picture for you guys (skip that day if 3Ds gross you out - weird to me that they do, but I still have your back).  

I should warn you that I'll be so excited after that sonogram that I'll be past the point of annoying.  I'll probably be fully obnoxious.

I need you to do better

I think if you've been reading my blog for a while, it's fairly evident that I don't take care of myself.

There's this weird guilt that comes with becoming a mom that causes you to stop doing things for yourself even if it's in your own best interest.  It's not completely universal, but I think it's fairly prevalent among new moms trying to find a balance.

I got that guilt.  Maybe a double dose?  Plus it was mixed with my laziness and nuerosis.

I. Was. Miserable.

The mom guilt was not the only factor in my ceasing to take care of myself, and I'm not writing the book it would require to get into all of that.

The point is that I have been on an emotional roller coaster for this last few months.  So, anytime I have an opportunity to do something simple to make Silas or myself feel better, I do it.  I don't think about it or worry about the cost or allow myself to feel guilty.

It helps.  Actually, it helps a lot to tell yourself it's okay to splurge once in a while or get off routine or allow yourself to enjoy time with people who aren't your child (or your spouse if you still have one).  Doing small things to make yourself smile helps you take better care of yourself physically and emotionally.

This is not my way of saying to go, buy, be frivolous.  I've done frivolous.  All it's gotten me is sitting at 30 praying this is the year I can finally buy a house.

What I'm saying is:

1.  If co-workers who make you laugh invite you to lunch - don't sit in your office and eat soup you don't want by yourself.  Go to lunch.

2.  If you can no longer reach your feet to paint your own toes - spend the $20 a paycheck to get a pedicure

3.  If those shoes you really wanted but didn't buy at full price are now 50% off AND they have your size - snap those puppies up

4.  If your kid wants a new toy and it's not his birthday or Christmas, but he's been doing a really good job at something - buy him the toy

5.  If someone asks you to come over after work and you could really use a convo with an adult, don't feel pressured to stick to your normal routine every, single day.  Go let the kids run around for an hour while you chat with a friend (or if you absolutely cannot pull your kid off routine - ask your spouse - or other support system - to step in so you can have that hour)

Whatever your version of the mom (or dad) guilt, tackle it.  It is imperative for your health and to maintain healthy relationships with your family.  They don't need you bitter and miserable and resentful - and that is exactly what you become when you do not take care of yourself. 

I promise you that it is okay to do things for yourself in moderation.  Go to the gym, take up that hobby, buy that new shirt, have your girls (or guys) night - and DO NOT feel guilty about it.  And, for goodness sake, when people offer to help you - let them.  They wouldn't offer if they minded.

It's actually true that if you don't love yourself, no one else can.  Please take that to heart as I've learned it from experience for you.

Take care of yourself because you are just as precious as that spouse and those babies - and they deserve the very best version of you that you can be.

Mom Jeans

I'm not a fashion blogger because I've given birth one too many times and have no idea what to do with clothes anymore.  Plus you guys have seen the evidence...I wasn't that great at dressing myself even when I had a rocking body.

But that's not going to cut it soon, right?  I'll be no longer pregnant and I'll be officially single come November - so I absolutely cannot afford to slide down into the sweat pants/ponytail rut.  I have a doctor to catch for goodness sake!

Anyway, my mom sent me this link, and I thought all the gals who read my blog might find it interesting.  I had absolutely no idea, but I'm glad I'm armed with this info prior to my first post-baby, newly single shopping trip.

It's about how Gap and Old Navy are a gateway to mom jeans - the HORROR!  Knowledge is power, ladies.  Happy reading!

http://www.graspingforobjectivity.com/2012/07/gap.html

The end and the beginning

I've stayed quiet(ish) about my marriage falling completely and totally apart because I have been completely and totally humiliated and not willing to risk judgment and ridicule.  But you know what?  I'm hurting, and I want to write it down and let it go.  So, judge me and ridicule me if you must.

When Anabel died, I was in the car on the way home from the hospital and Michael was driving.  I looked over at him and knew in my heart that he wasn't mine to keep, that he'd be taken from me one day.  My direct quote (to the devil) was: "you've taken my daughter, and I have survived.  You cannot, will not destroy me.  Do your worst."  And he's been trying ever since.

I don't pretend that I'm a perfect woman or a perfect Christian.  What I know is that I am a child of God and that He loves me - baggage, messes, flaws and all.  I know that He has a plan for me and that I have survived more in my 30 years than most people endure in a lifetime - ONLY because He holds my hand through it all.  He's going to keep holding my hand.  I know that because He promised He'd do it for us all.

The legal dissolution of my second marriage is in the works.  Michael finally admitted to me yesterday that he's in love with someone else.  He left when I was two months pregnant, and I've fought and scratched and clawed to keep Silas and me together since then.  

For six years, I have fought for my family.  I have fought hard - to the detriment of my own mental health - to make my family work.  But another woman has come back again and again and again to rip my family apart.  She was far more determined to have my husband, and he was determined to have her, and she won.  He's all hers now.

I know I will survive this and I will be stronger for it.  I've already grown by leaps and bounds in the last few months.  It honestly doesn't hurt 98% of the time.  I'm happier and more alive than I have been in years.  Maybe ever.  I'm finding that funny, vivacious, smart, fire-filled woman I once was.  I'm slipping back into her skin, and it feels incredible.

My friends and family have buoyed me and kept me laughing for the last four months - as they have every time he's walked out the door.

Randi - never was there ever a truer friend than you.  You know all my crazy, and you love me despite it (or because of it?).  Thank you for the girls nights and for the 900 million random text messages and the shoulder to cry on and the playmates for my son and the burnt steaks and the love and ALLLLLLLLLLLL the laughs.  Cheers to the next drink we take as parents of a collective five freaking children. We are going to rock this!

Casey - You have been a godsend.  You are a bright, laughing, shiny, happy spot in so, so many of my days.  Thanks for gaining the sympathy weight with me and for shoving me full of cupcakes every time you catch me in my office crying.  Thank you for sharing SOA and for helping me get my lawyer and for just being so, incredibly wonderful.

Mom & Kaylan - good lord.  How would I do it without you?  I don't even want to begin to imagine what my life would be like without your hugs and your help and sitting around your kitchen table laughing and crying and feeling safe.  Mom, I cannot wait to share the experience of Gavin's birth with you.  Thank you from the depths of my heart for agreeing to hold my hand in the delivery room.  THIRTEEN MORE WEEKS!!!

Marion - Can I finally admit it to the world?  Sure, why not?  I love you from the bottom of my heart.  You are the most incredible man I've ever known.  You are a role model to all men on how to be an amazing father and friend and person.  Thank you for being there for me every, single time I've come calling on you and needed you to pick me up and dust me off and encourage me to find myself again.  I'm finding myself this time, and I hope you continue to stick around for the journey.

There are too many people to mention everyone by name.  To all of you who make me laugh and listen to me cry, to those who pray for me and encourage me - thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is the end of another chapter in my life.  I look forward to stepping into the next chapter and leaving behind all the pain and anger and bitterness.  I look forward to seeking out all the beautiful, wonderful things in life and sharing those with my children and my friends and family.

I love you guys.

Love,

Me