My people

So, Silas is rid of the ear infection but now has a head to toe rash and a virus.  There was no fever when he woke up, so I'm hopeful he's past the scary stuff.

My bank account is just totally wiped out.  Worse than usual.  Beyond broke on payday kind of bad.  

BUT this is not a woe-is-me post.  Because my people?  My people are amazing.  

My husband is a hive of activity, helpful suggestions, moral support and hand holding

My mom is a wealth of love, support and mom advice

My father-in-law is putting a temporary roof over my head

My mother-in-law is spending her two days off helping us move

My babysitter/friend, Candice, is taking amazing care of Silas while I work

My friends are keeping me laughing and reminding me I'm loved

My co-workers and bosses are picking up my slack and offering me encouragement

My little boy is giving me a continuous reason to smile.

My people remind me that I have too much good in my life to wallow in self-pity.  My people remind me that I should be celebrating my victories and holding my head up high in thanks for my blessings.

My hope, my wish, my dream is to pay it forward and pay it back.  I hope to be as good to you all as you all are to me.  You're all wonderful, and I thank God for knowing just the right combination of people to bring into my life.

Happy Friday, and I hope all of you who are reading this have an amazing weekend with your people because I suspect God gave you the perfect combination too.

My world this week

Honestly, I don't have time to write this, what with being two days behind at work and all, but this blog is my outlet, and my blood pressure is apparently high, so I need to work my outlet.

My week in summary:

• Very sick, 104 degree temp having son - ear infection - cautiously stating it's finally under control
• Two days of work missed
• iPhone? broken (so, if you're calling and texting and Facebooking me - I don't know your number anymore and can hardly check Facebook - don't take my lack of response personally, please)
• Laptop? broken
• iPhone and Laptop?  Only two places I have approx 3000 photos/videos of my son stored
• Homeless? no longer - although the vast majority of my belongings are still lingering in my soon-to-be-vacant apartment
• Health screening at work?  Obese.  High Cholesterol.  High blood pressure.

Also, I now live with someone who watches the news, so I saw that Alabama, Arkansas (my home) and Tennessee have been devastated by tornadoes and also that several people have been murdered in the DFW Metroplex recently (literally, the entire broadcast was about death and identity theft on the PS Network [did I mention we're on the PS Network?].  There was not one uplifting story about a squirrel water skiing).

Crying.  I've done a lot of crying this week.  Like, on my bosses (multiple) voice mails and to a hateful pediatric nurse and to the lady who had the unfortunate task of being my "health coach" after my biometric screening and to my mom and husband and friends and basically anyone who will listen.

So, I've been feeling sorry for myself, but I know I am blessed to have a place to lay my head tonight and a son who is returning to his healthy self.   I'm ridiculous for mourning the loss of my pictures when others have lost their homes and loved ones.  My heart truly goes out to them.

If you see me crying again, really, just slap me because I'm no longer allowed to be throwing myself a pity party, but I'm (obviously) not particularly disciplined and will probably keep trying anyway.

Hope you are all doing okay out there and that the tornadoes did not get anywhere near any of you.

Good Friday

From the bottom of my heart, I thank Him

Cats

Cats induce a great deal of itching and wheezing and inability to breathe due to snot for me, so we don't have cats.  Therefore, Silas has never been around cats.  We have two dogs, so I figured if he ever ran into a cat, he'd react in pretty much the same way.  I was wrong.

Randi has a kitten.  We decided to have dinner and let the kids play last night.  So, I took a Claritan, and we loaded up and went to Randi's. 

We hadn't been there fifteen minutes when Silas came stumbling up to me crying so hard I had to blow in his face to make him breathe again.  I inspected him for claw marks, bumps, bruises - any sign of injury.  There was none.  So, I calmed him down and he sat in my lap.

Slowly, as the night wore on, I began to realize he was terrified of the kitten.  It's a kitten, so it's playful and has kind of sharp claws.  So, it would zip around and run past Silas, and he would have a full-on, panic attack, melt down and climb up me and wrap himself around my neck, and I'd have to pat his back and speak in soothing tones and kiss his little cheeks (ok - he probably preferred me not to kiss his cheeks, but I can't help it) until he returned to normal.

I think I lost some of my mommy credibility with him on this issue because I kept trying to tell him, "it's just a cat, it won't hurt you," and then it would run at him full speed and act like it was going to jump at him and claw his face off (but really it just wanted to play) and he would melt down all over again and give me a look like, "you're a liar and that thing wants to kill me."

Hopefully he'll never overcome this fear.  I know that's mean, but I am way too lazy to take a pill every day because my kid begs me for a cat, but it's nearly impossible for me to tell him he can't have something.  

Silas: "Cracker? Please. O-kay!"  or "Outside? Please. O-kay!" or "Toy?  Please. O-kay!"  You see where this is going?  

If he liked cats, we might one day have a conversation like this: "Cat?  Please. O-kay!" and then I'd have to buy him a cat and take pills and I'd inevitably forget to take my pills and Silas would be all, "it's just a cat, it won't hurt you" and I'd be all, "you're a liar and that thing wants to kill me," and he'd probably just feel vindicated instead of patting my back and speaking to me in soothing tones.

Cardboard box?

Because I'm not being a total slacker at work, I'm being a total slacker on my blog.  (More grown up behavior!)

Wanna know what's keeping me up at night these days?  

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I have to be out of my apartment in 10 days and have absolutely no place to move. 

It's not that I'm such a procrastinator that I have avoided looking for a place to move so much as I have a place to move that won't be ready for a couple of months and my apartment complex will not allow us to month-to-month it while other people close on their houses and have time to move out of our next abode and such.

So, I've tasked Michael with handling this situation.  I'm pretty sure he is totally avoiding it, which is obviously sending my nagginess into overdrive, which means tasking him to handle it was completely pointless because I won't release my death grip on the situation and just let him be.

Don't worry, we know lots of people, and most of them don't want to see us homeless, so I'm sure it will all work out in the end.  (Isn't it cute how I'm pretending not to be in an absolute panic right now?)

Trauma, Trauma

My little Silas just got 4 stitches.  I was trapped at work and couldn't get to him.  Michael had to watch them strap him down and stitch him up. 

The wind blew a door shut on Si's hand and cut open his thumb.  

When Candice called to tell me what was going on, I heard Silas in the background.  It was the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever heard.

Today, I hate being a working mom and resent the fact that I can't stay home with him and be there every time he needs to be held and loved and reassured.  I feel horrible that I could not be there for him and Michael - who endured watching Silas in agony with no hand to hold and while fielding my frantic IM's and trying to keep me calm.  His life was never in danger, but he was hurting, and if you have children, you know that you would endure every pain for them in an instant to keep them from ever hurting.

The bottom line is that Silas is okay.  The worst of it is over.  He had Michael and Candice with him and I prayed down the Holy Spirit to comfort him - pretty sure that prayer was granted and did more good than my panic-stricken self ever could have anyway.

Michael said Si keeps saying "fixed it".  So, I guess all is right in his little world even if Daddy and Mommy are still shaken.

New life goal - come into loads of money, quit working, never leave Silas' side again.  

Internet Hugs

I am not trying to be cute or funny or flippant when I say this, but there are clearly people in this world who are not getting enough hugs.   I love this song, and I hope you take the 30 seconds to read the lyrics and please know that SOMEONE FEELS THIS WAY ABOUT YOU.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Big, big hugs to all of you who read this blog.

Pink, F***** Perfect

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You are perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect to me!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

My inner self

My 24/7, round-the-clock job is to remember things for people and be a total nag - at least I behave like it is.  

It was just a work thing, and I would sometimes nag Michael, but since I had Silas, I notice, it's just what I do.  All.  The.  Time.  I call it "mommy mode," but really?  No, it's just me being a control-freak and being convinced that no one can function without me nagging them to do things.

I'm constantly sending emails, text messages, Outlook reminders and yelling across hallways at work and from the living room to the kitchen at home, "hey, don't forget..."  I'm not sure that all the people I nag are appreciative of it, but it has just bled into my personality and become a part of who I am now, so I fear they will just be dealing with it.

Last week was exhausting, and the weekend was me working and then saying to myself, "enough, take a break" rather than just finishing my work and being done with it.  So, it hung over my head for most of the weekend, which is the exact thing I wanted to avoid.  

Anyway, so it's Monday now, and I feel like I have sand in my eyes and in my brain, and I don't really care to do much thinking.  So, I've tasked myself with a mind-numbing summary for the day to do the work-equivalent of "vegging out" which would be all lovely and well, except.......my brain won't shut the eff up and leave me in peace.  

It keeps interjecting with, "hey, you need to remind Michael to go up to the office and ask that question and don't forget that one of your bosses wanted to reschedule a meeting for today and you're supposed to call and ask the pediatrician that thing Michael forgot to ask and you forgot to respond to so-and-so, you should really get back to......."  SHUT UP.  I'm tired, and I can't deal with Michelle on overdrive.

I'm not sure how normal it is to get on your own nerves, but I find that I am getting on my own nerves, which reminds me, I should Google that.....or does that fall in the category of one of the things I've banned myself from Googling?  Could plugging that into Google possibly return anything that will convince me I'm on my death bed?

Also, I finally watched Eat, Pray, Love.  I could have done without the last half of the movie.  She lost me in India, and then I was reading a book/looking up and checking in with Julia/thinking about things I needed to nag people about.  Sigh. 

Michael was asleep and didn't get to see how awful the movie was, so let's just keep that our little secret.  I do not have the energy to be both neurotic and wrong today.  M'kay? 

Another Google Ban for Michelle

Um, so, as I have previously mentioned, I'm pretty terrible about keeping up with the news, and I generally try to shy away from chatting about politics because I don't keep up with the news anymore and nothing is more annoying than someone who passionately talks about something when they have no idea what they're talking about (and I watched 24 hour news shows incessantly in college so that I could have about 487 gazillion political debates while getting my poli-sci minor...tapped out, thank you)

So, I was blissfully ignorant about a pending government shutdown until 1. someone posted something about it on Facebook and 2. I read a someecard about it.  So, I had to consult Google since the words "government shutdown" gave me a moment of pause.  Anyway, I read a news article and immediately remembered why I choose to ignore the news:

If the shutdown lasts more than a week or so, members of the military — deemed essential personnel — may have to go to work without pay. Reports the Post: "If the current funding expires on Friday, in the middle of the military’s two-week pay period, the Defense Department would distribute paychecks for the first week." 
For Congress: A group of 21 Senate Democrats is trying to pass a bill to halt pay for Congress and the President, but that seems unlikely, the Post reports.

(I, obviously, added the highlighting.  It came from Yahoo news, and I don't currently remember or care how to properly cite things - I also have an English degree- doing my college proud right now).

So, now I have one word: unacceptable.  Am I the only person who thinks it's absolutely insane that we are going to tell our military to keep on keeping on without their paychecks?    Certainly when (probably on purpose), the next paragraph says it's "unlikely" that the President and Congress will be missing their paychecks.

I don't care whose fault it is or what is causing it or what side of the aisle you're seated on or what your political beliefs are, screwing over our military cannot sit well with you.

Ignorance is bliss and information incites rage.  So, now there is another self-imposed Google ban for Michelle.  Adios, news.

No one to blame but myself

Some people are not meant to wear shorts.  I am one of those people, and that's cool because I've spent the bulk of my adult life amassing a collection of dresses and skirts.

Last year, my mom bought me several dresses, and I would wash them and hang them up to help them keep their size/shape as they were drying so that all was lovely and well during the scorching Texas summers when just the thought of wearing anything longer than knee-length makes me want to faint on the spot.  

Those dresses were my hands-down favorites, and they had never met a dryer.

Until yesterday.

I so wish I could blame this on Michael or Silas or one of the dogs.  But no.  I did it.  I washed the entire collection of dresses and proceeded to throw them (all of them) into the dryer.  I didn't have an uh oh! moment half way through the drying process or as I pulled them from the dryer or even as I hung them on hangers.  The damage was good and thoroughly done.

I awoke this morning feeling all smug about the fact that I knew exactly what I was going to wear and could skip the rushing-around-panicky-looking-for-clean-clothes portion of the day.  I trotted to my closet, pulled one of the dresses off of its hanger and over my head where it proceeded to stretch and gape and make a dramatic announcement about not fitting me anymore. 

I was astonished.  Um, why do my jeans and shirts still fit if I've gained what must be twenty pounds???

So, still, what I had done did not occur to me.  I found another dress (same size - hung to dry) and went about my morning, dropping Silas off, stopping to get gas, driving to work - all while swearing off cookies - when the realization finally dawned, and I had my uh oh! moment.  I shrunk my favorite dresses...all of them...all by myself. 

Since I was stuck in traffic anyway, I made myself come up with a silver lining.  I found two.

1. I did manage to not shrink every other piece of clothing I own.
2. The cookies weren't the culprit (because I was totally lying to myself about giving them up - especially since Wal-Mart has started stocking Keebler's version of the Samoa - all year round - at much more reasonable prices than my beloved Girl Scouts).

The faith of a child

Kindle ebook link

The fate of our souls is something I think most of us wonder about.  What will happen when I die?  Is there really a Heaven?  If there is, what is it like?

I've been in utter turmoil for a long, long time about the answers to these questions. 

However, as I lay down Friday night, I was blanketed in the kind of peace I haven't felt since I was a child - before I started questioning everything.  That peace was the result of reading the book pictured above.  

If you struggle with your faith, worry about your soul, question whether there is a God or a Heaven, are simply curious, or even if you have a rock solid, unshakable faith in God - read this book. 

To put it very simply, it changed the way I want to approach the rest of my life and solidified the faith that was instilled in me as a child.  The faith that I have been very busy destroying as an adult.

I'm thankful to Claire for recommending this book to me, and I'm thankful to the Burpo family for sharing their story.  (I've put a link to the ebook for the Kindle in the caption above.)

P.S. Also, it's an easy read.  It is very well written.  I read the entire book in one night.  It's not preachy or uncomfortable or hard to understand.  It's very sweet and comforting (although you will cry if you are a crier).

Anabel Lynn

It's Anabel's birthday.  She would have been 4 today. 

When I closed my eyes to wish Anabel a happy birthday this morning, my mind flooded with an image of my sister tip-toeing into a bedroom where my little angel was asleep.  Anabel was snuggled up under the covers with a mass of curls all around her head, framing her sweet face.  

Kayde, my sister, woke Anabel up by wrapping her in her arms and kissing her cheeks while giggling, "Happy Birthday!" into her curls.  

I then saw flashes of my daughter running around a (beautiful) house in a party dress while my sister was in the kitchen preparing food for a party and Anabel blowing out candles on a homemade cake.

They're happy and they're together.  I know it, and that makes me smile.

Happy Birthday, my dear, sweet daughter.  You are missed greatly and thought of often.  We love you!