Really, Skinny Bitches?

Skinny Bitches,

It has come to my attention that the first time I warned* you to stop talking to me about how "fat" you are, you did not listen. Perhaps the warning I gave you about my ability to reach the emergency stop button on your treadmill was too subtle. So, I'll do this all again in hopes that this time you will listen, and my sleep-deprived brain will never again have to filter out the words "I need to go on a diet" from a person who tips the scales at a buck 'o five.

Shame on you for wasting my precious time (again). I have been a skinny bitch before. So, I have been on the other side of this. However, I didn't have someone older, wiser and fatter to point out the grotesque nature of my behavior. I tried to give you the benefit of learning from my mistakes. Unfortunately, you chose to ignore my first warning. So, now I'm going to talk crazy to you.

The problem you have, Skinny Bitches, is with your self-esteem. As I (delicately) pointed out before, you know you aren't fat. Yet, you still feel the need to draw attention to how thin you are by pretending to think you're fat in front of your bigger friends. Do you not see how sick it is to force people who really may be struggling with their weight to constantly "reassure" you that you aren't fat (when you wear a size 2, for God sake)?

Double shame on you if your body bounced back after having a baby and you bitch about being fat in front of any woman who is still pregnant or who has not lost the pregnancy weight. We (collectively as a nation of hormonal, emotional, exhausted women) already hate you for having the unnatural ability to go instantly back to your (super thin) pre-pregnant self. Do not further insult us with all this "I need to lose weight" bullshit. Unnecessary salt in the wound.

My advice to you is this: get counseling and stop taking your body issues out on the rest of the female population. Last warning.

*PREVIOUS WARNING:

Skinny bitches,

Stop talking to me about how fat you are. If you peek at the number in your itty bitty shorts and it is a single digit number, shut the fuck up talking to me about being fat. You would not own shorts if you were fat. I am fat. I don't own shorts.

Speaking of shorts, skinny bitches, when I am in a fitting room trying desperately to get a pair of jeans zipped (in a double digit size, let me add), I don't need to hear you ask your anorexic twin if those size 0 shorts make you look fat. Zero isn't even a number. How can not a number make anyone look fat? You know you don't look fat. Want to know how I know that? You're trying on shorts or a mini skirt or a tube top or some other nonsense no woman who really thinks she's fat would even pick up much less put on.

Lastly, skinny bitches, stop occupying the treadmill next to mine at the gym. I take great pains in selecting my treadmill so as not to be compared to your skinny ass for 40 minutes while I sweat like a hog. Then you want to fuck it up by jumping on the empty treadmill next to me, and most of the time your anorexic twin jumps on the one on the other side. How do I look sweating my ass off walking at 3.5 mph while the two of you are running at 7 mph, flipping your blonde hair and giggling into your cell phones? I can reach the emergency stop buttons on your treadmills. That's something to think about.