Advice for moms-to-be

I was told to write a blog with advice for moms-to-be. Here you go.

1. Enjoy the freedom of your child-free existance to the fullest. (if you already have children, you're already screwed, so move on.)

2. Request xanax immediately after delivery. You'll thank me later when you stumble across it after you've pulled out half your hair.

3. Get comfortable with the idea that you'll be wrong for the rest of your life.

4. Caffeine, Disney movies and your in-laws (even if you think you don't like them) are your friends.

5. Sleep-deprivation and a messy house are just your new existance. They will not sleep when you want them to, and they will destroy everything no matter how long it took you to clean it or how much it cost you. Make peace with that.

6. No matter how badly you want those shoes, you will always be able to think of something your child needs instead. This is the beginning of your journey to What Not to Wear.

7. There will be a day when you show up to work and realize there's spit up on your shoulder. Just buy a cardigan now and always have it handy.

8. Even if your child's father is a rocket scientist, you will find yourself wondering how you could've procreated with such a complete moron on at least one occasion. (like when he uses a bulb syringe to clean out your newborn's eye).

9. Your baby will excrete all manner of bodily fluids on you, himself, and your furniture. Stock up on shout and scotch guard.

10. No matter how frustrated, exhausted and exasperated you are, you wouldn't trade that little angel for all the money in the world, and he (or she) will always be the best thing you've ever done. So, don't be stingy with the kisses and hugs!