Heidi

Most of you know that when I was five months pregnant with my first child, Anabel, I was delivered the soul-crushing news that she was very unlikely to survive after birth.  I was given the option to terminate - and encouraged by many to do so.  However, for my own reasons, I chose to continue the pregnancy and prayed constantly that they were wrong, but I was in a constant state of turmoil fearing they were right.

Michael and I had only recently begun our married life together.  We had gotten our first little apartment, and because I couldn't find a job in my condition, Michael worked two jobs.  We couldn't afford cable, and I didn't have any friends in Texas yet.  So, I spent 16 hours a day alone - crying, sleeping and worrying.

I begged for a puppy to keep me company.

Michael, against his will, got me my puppy for our first Valentines day together (because at one time he adored me and would do anything to make me smile).

I loved her instantly.  And as I thought she looked like a hyena, I named her Heidi.  She and I spent 16 hours a day together curled up on the couch watching DVDs and sleeping.  The only place I ever really went was the video store, and I took her with me there (until they told me to cease and desist).  She buoyed me.  She loved me.  She comforted me.  She made me laugh.

When I came home without a baby, Heidi got me through that too.  She gave me a reason to smile and a life to care for.  

Eventually, we got another dog to keep her company when I did go to work, but Heidi has remained my "man's best friend" dog.  The one who sleeps right up against me at night.  The one who I can tell loves me fiercely.  The one who would quickly rip you to shreds if she thought you were hurting me.  The one who never drifts very far from me.

When I made the mistake of leaving her outside one morning several weeks ago, I came back to find her "attached" to a male dog.  I was furious with myself for leaving her unattended and with my horrible neighbors for letting their dog run amok.  

For weeks, I stressed whether she was pregnant and when it became pretty evident that she was, I stressed that she'd go into labor when I was at work and have complications and die (because we all know I'm a drama queen with internet access and a penchant for over-Googling).

Saturday night she could not get close enough to me.  She scooched as close to me as she could get and put her head on my pillow.  We were curled up back to back, and I was almost asleep when I felt a warm, wet sensation spread across my back.  "Er, did you just pee on me, dog?"  After a Google search, I learned that she had not, in fact, peed on me.  Rather, her water had broken.  

She fled under my bed, which I was not having.  I coaxed her out and took her to her kennel in the living room.  I threw all my bedding in the wash and lay on the couch watching her.  She quickly became frantic and wanted out of her kennel.  Scratching and pawing.  So, I took a deep breath to brace myself for the impending mess I was going to have to clean and opened the door.  She roamed the house for a while and then got up on the couch against my leg.  I dozed off after about an hour and was awakened to something wet touching my foot.

It was a puppy.  

It didn't cry or move.  It was lifeless.  And my bond with my dog deepened as I watched her work tirelessly to wake her firstborn.  The one that was not going to wake.  My heart ached because I know what it is to want your baby to live when that isn't going to happen.  I cried, and I prayed.  Yes, I said prayed.  Yes for my dog.  I sent up prayers to Heaven that the next puppy would be alive because she was clearly distressed, and it broke my heart so badly.  I wanted her to be able to love at least one of her babies.

When the second puppy was being delivered, I was awake to see it happen. I became amazed at how she instinctively knew what to do.  For weeks, I had been terrified because I had no idea what to do.  Turns out, it didn't matter because she didn't need me.

When I heard the second born whimpering, tears of joy flooded my eyes.  This one was going to be okay.  She looked around momentarily for the puppy I had removed while she was distracted but quickly realized she had to focus on taking care of this new one.  She cleaned him and brought him close to keep him warm and helped guide him so he could nurse.

I left her to it around 3:45 in the morning and went to bed.  

When my bladder woke me at 7:30, I rushed to the living room to find her snuggling three puppies.  She was not too keen on Penny (our other dog) getting close.  I was very careful in getting near myself, but she seemed to half-heartedly trust me.

Her immediate instinctive protection of them and nurturing of them blew me away and filled me with pride (as if she really is my child - ha!).  I've watched her in fascination with them all weekend.  She reminds me so much of how I felt in those first few days (weeks) as a mom.  Completely consumed by my offspring.  Barely taking time to do anything but tend to him.  Exhausted but love drunk on that baby.

Toward the end of the first day, Silas and I went to Albertson's to get some things.  When we returned home, I went to check on them and saw a fourth puppy.  I was stunned and worried, but the puppy seemed fine, and she had taken it in as well.  Wow, four puppies. 

After about an hour, I went to check to be sure that puppy was doing okay only to find that she had given birth to a fifth puppy.  Clearly the runt of the litter. 

I joked that I wasn't going to check on them anymore for fear that they'd continue to multiply.

She did not have anymore after the runt came along.  

She does not leave them for more than a few moments unless I force her to go outside (take a break, dog.  Let me clean the kennel and look at those puppies!).  I miss having her undivided attention already, but I am so proud of what a good little momma has is! 

I was not on board with this whole puppy debacle until they arrived.  Now, I love them to pieces because she loves them to pieces.  I know it is going to hurt to have to let them go.

My step-daughter has claimed one of the pups.  And I've half talked myself into letting Heidi keep one of her babies - because the mom in me can't bear the thought of making her part with them all (although the mom in me also knows it's insane to take on the care of a new puppy at the same time as taking on the care of my own brand new infant.  So, we'll let the heart and brain battle it out for a while and see who comes out on top).  

There are still three definitely up for grabs - all boys.  The three biggest in the photo above.  I want them to go to homes where they will continue to be as loved and nurtured as they are being right now and to a place where they will give as much joy to their new owners as my Heidi has given me for the last five years.  

Do let me know if you are interested.

Congrats to my little momma - and thanks for the distraction as I near the beginning of my own journey into being mom to a newborn again (8 weeks and 3 days!).