momFAIL stuff - what else?

I know I have been terribly quiet lately.  It's not because I don't have things to blog about.  I have tons, really.

What I don't have is time.  

I'm stealing this ten minutes while I have literally three other projects going in the background that I have to wait on to move forward.

Anyway, I came by to 1. spill more of my momFAIL crap and 2. to share a link with you.

Mostly, I have been doing really well with managing everything since I went back to work - especially considering I am doing so with my fiance working out of town (lest you are a crazy person and get any ideas, I have an alarm system, a gun, a dog that will chew your face off, and a pretty scary step dad 3 blocks away).

So, right.  It's been me and the kiddos, but sometimes it's more like the kiddos vs. mom with the score always 3-0 their favor.

Last night I had to go to the grocery store, and I (obviously) had to take all three of them.  And Silas (obviously) asked for every single thing that caught his eye despite me repeatedly saying, "we are only getting the things on our list.  Please stop asking for other things." (There were things he had specifically requested on the list, so I wasn't just being mean).  We did that about 30 times, and I was a little irritated, but still okay.

Upon turning into our neighborhood, Vivian woke up and started crying.  When we got home, I had two choices: let her cry and get the boys a quick dinner OR feed her and listen to them wailing about being hungry while trying to destroy everything in sight in protest.  Either way, someone was going to be mad.  

When Gavin was an infant, someone told me, "if someone has to wait, let it be the baby.  He won't remember that he had to wait, but Silas will remember if you always prioritize the baby over him."  That makes sense to me.  Also, it is better for the boys to be occupied when I'm feeding Vivian as that is a very vulnerable time for me/our house/the dogs as I am limited in my ability to grab up small children who are getting into things they should not.  So, I chose to put together something quick for the boys, make us all something to drink, and then go feed Vivian.

As my super amazing luck (this is sarcasm as will soon be obvious) would have it, the boys finished dinner before I finished feeding Vivian.  They mosied into the living room where I was sitting on the couch feeding Vivian.  We don't have a coffee table or end tables, so I had my glass of water in the floor.  I told Silas repeatedly to pay attention and not knock it over.  Things got increasingly chaotic while I sat there trying to feed Vivian and the boys vied for my attention.  I could feel my blood pressure rising.  I could feel myself getting overwhelmed.

Finally, it was close enough to bed time for me to declare that little boys needed to head upstairs to get ready for bed.  "Silas, watch that cup" I said as I got up to put Viv in her swing.  I turned around and the cup was on it's side.  Carpet soaked and littered with ice.

Now, this is the kind of stuff I HATE to admit to anyone because it is so shameful.  But the whole point of this is that I'm trying to change, and in order to change I need to be accountable.

I saw the cup on it's side merely 2 seconds after telling the boy to pay attention, and this:

Me, red faced, steam coming from ears: "Seriously?!  I told you to pay attention and not knock that cup over."

Silas: "Sorry, mom."

Me, irrationally angry: "that is one more mess I have to clean up now, Silas.  You have GOT to start paying attention!"  

(I hate myself just typing this).

And then I picked up the cup stomping toward the stairs yelling over my shoulder, "let's go, upstairs, now!" and then I threw the cup at the sink so hard, it broke. (Sigh. I suck.)

Once I had the kids in bed, Vivian fed, the downstairs cleaned, and had had sufficient time to calm down and feel like a complete asshole, I decided to google, "why do I yell when I get angry" in hopes of finding a way to control my temper better.  

What I got was this article.  There is some back and forth in the comments about the advice in it.  Some people think it's bad advice, some think it's good.  Personally, I like some of it and could do without some of it.  But the point was not to get a step-by-step plan to blindly follow.  The point was to get suggestions from other parents who have been where I am and have found ways to do better and be better for their kids.

I text Jimmy last night and said, "if someone offered me the choice between a free tummy tuck and the ability to have complete control over my temper and my emotions, I'd choose the latter every time."  That's saying a lot because I loathe my stomach and wish all the time that I could get it fixed.  But treating people (especially my little people) with kindness and respect in all situations is infinitely more important to me.

So, the article.  It offered some helpful tips, and this morning when I overslept, I kept those tips in mind every time I could feel myself getting frustrated.  I just made myself calm down and remember that they are kids and running behind is not the end of the world.

I was 15 minutes late to work, but I didn't start my kids' day in a way that hurt them or made them afraid or sad.  I didn't push them away and give them a reason to tune me out.  This morning, I was able to focus on rolling with it and being the kind of mom I want to be all the time.

The article warned that even when you start making an effort to be more in control of your reactions, you are going to slip up but to just keep trying.  And I think that is good.  No one needs the pressure to never make a mistake and to always be perfect.  What we need is the fortitude to get up and keep trying even when we do make those mistakes.

For now, my kids have one less memory of mom losing her shit because I actually made a real effort to not unleash my grown up temper and grown up frustrations on them.  I made an effort to be a good example and show them how I pray they conduct themselves in the face of frustration.

That is at least a step in the right direction.  And I'm going to keep trying and keep praying that God helps me take the steps to become a better mom and a kinder, gentler person.

I shared this thing about me of which I am terribly ashamed because I want to be helpful to other parents who are maybe struggling with the same issue, and I found the article helpful.

So, maybe you are judging me.  I don't really know, and I can't waste the energy to care.  I spent too much of my childhood feeling unimportant and unloved and unwanted.  If I can help in any small way to end that for another child, it's worth all the judgment in the world.

Have a nice Tuesday.