Torn

So, I'm 3.5 weeks from having this baby, and I am awash with mixed emotions.

Firstly, there is fear.  How are the boys going to handle this?  How am I going to handle the second straight year of sleep deprivation, teething, and spit up?  The laundry.  I mean, should I just give up on the laundry after she's born?  Just burn it all and buy new once a month?  (J/K....mostly).  How do I take three kids to Target?  How do I manage the stairs with Gavin and Vivian?  How horribly terrible is maternity leave with a one year old and a newborn going to be?  And, of course, that damn epidural.  I pray nightly that I won't jump and that they won't have to do it more than once.

Two nights ago I dreamed that my doctor forgot to tie my tubes, and I had a complete and total meltdown about it.  So, I feel even more confident in my decision since I wasn't even slightly relieved in my sub conscience.  I told my doctor about my dream and encouraged her not to forget.  She laughed at me.

Secondly, there is an emotion I can't quite figure out how to name.  I don't want to call it sadness because I am not sad in the least about meeting my darling daughter.  But I am going to miss work (please stop rolling your eyes at me).  My job can be all things hard, stressful, frustrating, anger-inducing, and sometimes even boring. But mostly I like coming to work.  I like interacting with my co-workers.  I like what I do (most of the time).  I like the satisfaction I get in doing certain things well.  I like using my brain to figure out complex things.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to miss the drive or the days when it is boring or entering my billing or the sometimes overwhelming stress, but I am going to miss working.

Thirdly, I feel unready/behind/ill-prepared.  I look back at just how prepared I was for Gavin at this stage and am astounded by how not prepared I am for Vivian.  People keep talking about me going into labor, which I guess at this point is technically possible, but I'm just behaving as if I have all the time in the world.  All those contractions that sent me running to the hospital once a week with Gavin?  I just ignore them now and go to bed.  My motto has become: if it's labor, eventually it will wake me up in screaming pain, and then I will involve the professionals and deal with it. 

Her crib?  Not even out of the box.  Her nursery?  Totally empty (save for the box full of un-assembled crib).  Our bag?  Not packed.  Her clothes?  Not washed (but you already knew that, didn't you?).  Her come home outfit?  Not purchased.  Carseat?  Not installed.  Newborn diapers and such?  Not purchased.  Her changing table?  Needs painting.  Her dresser?  Not even at my house.  Coverage at work?  Not determined.  

I keep telling myself, "I'll work on all of that this weekend" and then the weekend comes and goes and nothing is accomplished.  So, the current plan is to work on it this weekend...

Lastly, there is obviously an exorbitant amount of excitement.  I envision being in the OR and hearing her cry for the first time, seeing Jimmy holding her, holding her myself - and happy tears (obvi).  I cannot wait for all of that.  I cannot wait to see what she looks like and to snuggle her and set out on this journey of raising her with a man I am so proud to have as the father of my daughter.  

Because I've already done this before, I know it all comes together.  I know everything gets done and that everyone in the house adjusts to having one more person.  I know that sleep deprivation and teething and spit up eventually end, and they are survivable.  And mostly I know that this is the very last time I get to do any of this.  And I honestly think that is why I am not in a hurry to get ready for it.  Because I know just how fast it is going to fly by.  Just how soon that first birthday is going to be here.  Just how much I am going to ache for that first everything once I can never experience it again.  

And so I am going to linger and savor it and try with all my might to enjoy every minute - even the minutes when I want to scream and pull my hair out and day drink (don't tell me you have never had the fleeting thought).

So, here is to round three closing in on me.  Woosah...

I went to the Twilight Zone

I'm afraid this is going to come off as me being all "look at me!" but I'm honestly just telling you a story that I find so weird it's funny.

Jimmy and I decided we wanted pot roast for dinner last night way too late to actually make pot roast.

Unbeknownst to me, Twin Peaks has killer pot roast.  Of course Jimmy knew because he's male.

Anyway, we settled (actually, he sort of insisted) on Twin Peaks, and I was elected to go pick up dinner.

Me: "I'm going to feel funny waddling into that place all pregnant."
Jimmy: "If you get hit on, tell them I'll kill them."
Me: *laughs hysterically as I'm 8.5 months pregnant* "yeah, I don't see anyone hitting on me over the 22 year old half naked chicks with flat stomachs, but I appreciate the vote of confidence."
Jimmy: "Oh, I do."

And I went on about my day thinking it was adorable that he was either delusional or hell bent on making me feel good about myself in my whaleish state.

I got to Twin Peaks and tried to get the hostess to grab my order and take my money because really five feet into the place was enough to make me feel self-conscious, but she insisted I go to the bar.  Fun!

I waddled over to the bar where all of the occupied barstools were filled with males drinking beer and ogling the half-naked woman behind the bar.  All was as I expected.  I found an empty spot at the bar and stood waiting patiently to be acknowledged.

The half naked woman walked past me twice without acknowledging me.  I sighed audibly attracting the attention of the man to my right.

And then the man to my right nodded to the barstool next to him and said, "you can sit down here by me if you want" and winked at me.  It most definitely came across as him hitting on me/being a decidedly skeevy person.

All I could think was, Is this really happening? I mean how long must a person drink before he either doesn't notice a woman is five minutes from giving birth or doesn't care?  Also, I sport a black titanium wedding band on my left ring finger to cover up an ill-advised tattoo.  (But then I already know from experience that some people care absolutely nothing about other people's relationships.)

I mentioned back in October that I got hit on at the fair.  But I was barely showing, and the guy was working at a food stand and I'm very short so it is very likely couldn't see my stomach.  I'm not a gal who gets hit on very often, so that was actually kind of flattering.

This was not flattering.  It was just bizarre and made me concerned for humanity as a whole.  All I knew to do was look at him like he was a lunatic and go back to searching for a club to whack over the bartender's head so I could get her attention, get my food, and get the hell out of there.

The bartender walked past me two more times before I got fed up with the whole situation.  (And I have no idea where she was walking to and from because I never saw her take an order or a payment or provide a drink.  Just aimless meandering.)

Finally, I yelled "Hey!" and then coated my face in a syrupy smile.  I'm not lying to you when I say she looked startled by the fact that I was standing there in the same spot I had been for at least a good, solid five minutes.  She smiled sweetly, "hi.  Do you have a to go order?" like she had not walked past me a bajillion times.  I literally think she has trained herself to not see women.  


What I had expected to happen was that I would not attract one passing glance from a single male in the place and that the women working there would be amused by me but courteous and professional and possibly even feel sorry for me and get me in and out of there quickly.

Nothing was as it should have been in that place.

There is only one possible explanation.  Twin Peaks is the twilight zone.  But they really do have good pot roast.

Soooooooo, how'd not having the kids for ten forevers go?

So, some things about the boys being gone:

1. My commute should actually only be 40 minutes.  I learned that because I didn't have to drive through all of the whole city to drop off two children every day last week.  Instead, I drove straight to work.  40 minutes.  Every day.  Not two hours.  1/4 tank of gas left at the end of the week.  Not an entire tank of gas gone in 4 days.  (Sigh).

2. I was part productive, part catch up on Vampire Diaries.  Some days I came home and was all, "let's tackle this laundry!"  Other days I was all, "Let's sit on the couch and eat Doritos for dinner and watch horrible teenage TV!"  That was quite enjoyable.

3.  Omg, I misssssssssssssssssssssssss sleeping.  I got to do so much more of it when no one was there to wake up screaming in the middle of the night or at 5 am.  And I got to sleep in an extra hour because (as I already mentioned) there was no 2 hour commute.  There were even naps, you guys.  Like, in the middle of the week after I got home from work naps.  I forgot about those, and they are delightful.

4. My kids (read: Silas) actually missed me.  I maybe stopped by to see them mid-week and was greeted with, "Mom, I'm going to McDonald's, and then I'm coming home to your house." To which I replied, "I don't think you're coming home just yet, bud." To which he replied, "But I want to!!!" To which my heart replied by melting into a puddle.

I have to admit that the 9 day break was good for all of us.  And I have to admit that because round about 14 hours after getting the boys back, Silas was diagnosed with strep, and Gavin was diagnosed with two ear infections and a viral infection, and I was subsequently diagnosed with a viral infection.  So, you know, we were sort of stuck in the house together feeling like crap.  And no one yelled.  What I mean is that I didn't yell.  They yell all the time because they are children and find it amusing to be loud.  I didn't lose my patience.  Not even when I had to call the pediatrician twice and go to CVS three times in order to get Gavin's medicine sorted out.  Nor when I nearly fainted at their doctor's office and Gavin totally lost it because they made me lie down and a stranger had him.  Nor when Silas whined incessantly about all of the things and made me go up and down our stupid steps 40-11 times fetching things for him.

The break put me back in a place where I was not at my complete and total wits end.  I can't say enough about how much Jimmy helps me, but he has not been able to help in quite some time because he works, like, 14 hour days a lot and doesn't get home until well after the kids are asleep.  So, doing the whole full time job, taking care of the house, wrangling two kids thing day in and day out gets taxing - you're probably a parent, you probably already know that.  Add being 48 months pregnant to that equation, and I'm sure you can conjure up a mental image of my sanity level most days. (hint: it ain't pretty).

Remember when I was all, "maybe I'll be a little more ready to evict by 34 weeks, but right now I'm just not"?  Yes, well, yesterday was 34 weeks, and GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT! Vivian Grace, get. out.  Well, not literally because I'm not interested in her being a little preemie, but this next 30 days is more than welcome to just rush along.

So, in conclusion, while I don't want my children gone that long very often (and I'm still not cool with the possibility of an entire freaking month during the summer), and I missed them so much it was painful, it was good for us.  

People keep telling me I'll be rethinking my stance on the month in the summer when Vivian gets here - you know because I'm already crazy cakes now with two of them.  

I guess I'll find out in 4 weeks and two days.

Sharing once again rears its ugly head

It's been a year and a half, and Michael and I have settled into a routine with the kids.  Generally I have them back by 7 on Sunday nights when it is his weekend.

At 7:24 last night, I hadn't heard from him.

Text: "Hey dude, game is about to start.  What's the deal with the kid swap?" (And just do not talk to me about the game because freaking UGH.)

7:45, no response.

I began to panic because that is what I do.  

I called his phone.  Straight to voicemail.  And so then I was in an all out tizzy.  Jimmy, ever the voice of reason, "calm down and just call his mom or Heather."  Ah, good idea.

His mom answered, and I asked if she was with Michael.  She gave him the phone, and I inquired about his intentions on returning my children to me.  "Oh, I was going to keep them all week."

Excuse me, what?  

"All week?"  my voice cracked.  

"Yeah, my mom is off, so I was just going to keep them all week and give them back to you Sunday.  Is that okay?"

What I thought was: Um, no.  It is not.  Because I miss them al-freaking-ready, and you did not mentally prepare me for this in the least.  How dare you?

What I said was: "Oh, um, okay..." and then I hung up and burst into tears and made Jimmy talk me back down from the crazy.

You see, Michael legally has the right to keep them all week.  It's in black and white in our stupid paperwork filed down at the courthouse.  But I never actually expected him to exercise that right.  I mean, hello, what's next, the full month in the summer?  (Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  I won't survive it!)

I should say good on him for wanting to spend all the time he can with the kids.  It's good for all of them (except he's totally screwing up my schedule, and I'm going to have hell to pay next week, but whatever).

But now I have a week to kill and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.  

As I see it, my options are: be totally productive and get my house in order for the impending arrival of child 3 OR pick a series on Netflix and watch it in its entirety while bingeing on junk food.

Place your wagers.

Unofficially Official

So, what does it mean to be "unofficially, officially" engaged?

It means he wanted help picking out the ring and then when I found one I really liked and it was on sale, he bought it on the spot.  So, now the surprise is the delivery/official proposal once the ring gets back from being sized.  So, that is what that means.

Of course I'm excited.  It's incredible to love someone and know they love you back and that they want to commit to spending the rest of their life building a life with you.

Now with that said, I'm also realistic.  I mean, this is (er, going to be) my third engagement/ third marriage.  Ugh, I feel like a character in a soap opera just typing that.  

It's truly scary to know I have done this twice before and failed both times.  It's scary to trust myself enough to make this decision for me and my kids.  It's scary to know the statistics of divorce for third marriages (70-73%).  And I know my friends and family probably have their own quiet concerns and reservations.  I don't blame them.  That is just natural when you love someone and are watching them head down a path where you have already seen them fail over and over again.

What I do trust is that I have my eyes wide open.  I trust that I am looking at this decision from every possible angle and weighing what is right.  I trust that I am not entering this lightly and that I am not doing it for the wrong reasons.  I trust how much I have grown and how much I have learned about myself and about how to love people.  I trust that no one is blinded by emotion (that is sooooo my M.O. in 99% of my life and in both of my previous decisions to get married).  No one is swept up in the romance of brand new love.  We've been together for over a year.  We've had some fights.  We've seen each other on our worst and best days.  We've faced some tough challenges.  We've spent time alone together and time raising children together.   We see eye to eye on our life goals and on how you should behave in a committed relationship.  We make compromises in the areas where we disagree.  Nothing feels forced or out of balance.  Never do I feel like the entire weight of keeping the relationship running smoothly is on one person.  Never do I feel like I don't matter or the kids don't matter.  Never do I feel like I'm not being heard.  Never do I feel like I'm on the verge of being abandoned, cast aside, or replaced.  

Our relationship just makes sense.  We naturally evolved into a family - a real family - and that is all I have ever wanted my entire life, and it is what I want for my children.  And so it makes sense to me to declare before our friends and family and God that we are a unit wholly committed to one another and our family.

When he decides it's time to make our engagement "officially, official" I will say yes.  And I will pray for us just the way I do now.  And he will too just the way he does now.  Please do me a favor and say a prayer for us too because I want nothing more than to have God in the big, fat middle of this relationship helping us stay on the right path.  I want nothing more than for his hand to be the last hand I ever hold.  I want nothing more than for our relationship to work just the way it does now for the rest of forever.

And I know I have been given a partner who will be wholly committed to working together to be part of the 27-30% of couples who make that third time a charm.  

So, watch for the upcoming announcement of things being officially official.

Christmas 2013

The last 5 days? What a blur.

The mini-vacay started with vomiting children once again making me thankful for my parents living 3 blocks away.  Gavin took up residence with them until Sunday afternoon while I scrubbed floors and washed sheets and sprayed Lysol and gave hugs.

Once all the sickness left us, we made our way to the mall and stood in line for an hour for this:

Can I just say, if you want to feel 1000% better about your parenting skills, trek on over to the mall three days before Christmas and stand in line for Santa.  I bet all the money in my piggy bank, your children will be the best behaved children there.  

What you should not then do is leave said mall and try to take your upset-by-santa, desperately in need of a nap, one year old son to a restaurant and expect for your family or anyone within a 4 mile radius to eat in peace.  Cause it ain't happ'nin.  The second our food came out we asked for boxes and the check and went home to eat out of to go boxes while Gavin slept off the cranky.

On Monday, I made the trip to Dallas to see my doctor for my 32 week check up.  Now, I did not account for the fact that my doctor's office shares an intersection with a mall.  I was 20 minutes late to my appointment and sending up prayers of thanks for my small, sleepy town when I finally escaped the big city and made my way back to the suburbs.

I did the vast majority of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd and 24th - in my small, sleepy town - and not once did I feel like screaming at other shoppers or motorists.  I'm sorry if you are all "go big city living!" but you are wrong.  It's just better in a small town.  Well, until you start factoring in the commute.  Whatever.  Can't have it all.

All too soon it was time for Christmas Eve at my parents' house and then Christmas morning at home.  My adorable boys in their Christmas PJs ripping into Sponge Bob wrapping paper - their little eyes wide when they saw what Santa had delivered.  My house destroyed by 8:35 am never to recover.  Making pancakes for Christmas breakfast and frying chicken for Christmas lunch.  Spending the whole day in our pajamas snuggling on the couch, playing with Nerf guns, and watching movies.  It was the perfect lazy Sunday on a Wednesday.

It was absolutely my favorite Christmas to date.  I hope your day was wonderful too.

Merry (belated) Christmas!

Weekend highlights

Highlights from this weekend include:

Jimmy bought a new truck.  He is very excited.  "Excited" doesn't begin to capture his feelings, but it's all I've got in the way of adjectives.  It's a great truck that will very easily fit three kids, and he got a good deal, so I'm happy for him.

We had the 3D sonogram.  I was disappointed in the quality of the pics compared to the ones with the boys.  She had her hand in her face, which if you are me, you can see below.  

Jimmy said, "don't be disappointed.  We got to see her, and we have the memory, and it's not long until we meet her face to face."  Because he is great like that.

Most of my Christmas shopping is done.  Notice I used the word "most."  So, that means next weekend - my weekend with the kids - is going to be spent last-minute Christmas shopping.  I can't even think about thinking about it.

Boring post, I know.  It's Monday.  I'm tired and feel so very very pregnant.  Maybe I'll do better next time.