Wait, what?

This morning I joked that Gavin wants to be my favorite because he sleeps for such long stretches at night.

Before I had more than one child, I always wondered whether parents really do have a favorite.

My fledgling opinion on the subject has so far developed into a "no." I don't actually have a favorite child. The truth is that after 3.5 weeks of being a mother of two (although I could have said this after 60 seconds), I would wither up and die inside if one of them was suddenly gone. Nothing makes any sense to me at all if I don't have them both.

There are moments throughout every day that each of them grips my heart so tightly in his tiny fist that it stops my breathing.

Silas is fierce and funny and so full of sweetness and love. He's a ball of energy with so much intelligence that he consistently catches me by surprise. He makes every day bright and challenging and fun.

Gavin exudes calm and love and peace. He still has that angelic newborn presence. He is laid back and patient. On those occasions when his eyes fix on my face or lock with mine, it's as if I'm catching a glimpse of Heaven.

And now I wonder (if you read my blog immediately after Silas was born, you might want to sit down), will there be another tiny footprint on my heart in the future?

It's silly to think about when I don't even have a boyfriend (or the possibility of a boyfriend lurking anywhere in my immediate future), but here I am thinking about it.

Before I got pregnant with Gavin, I didn't even know whether I wanted one more child. After I got pregnant with him, I wanted my tubes tied. Then fate intervened and stopped me from doing that. Now I wonder if the boys will have more siblings.

If I never have another child, I will still feel like the most incredibly fortunate woman in the world to be able to raise Silas and Gavin. I feel whole. I feel like that family I have always wanted is truly mine now, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude daily.

But if that perfect storm of events (and holy hell that is A LOT of events) happens to collide and bring me one more little life to love, I certainly won't complain (ok, I'll totally complain for the entire pregnancy, but I'll keep the complaints to a minimum after that).