Friday sort of starts the countdown

Do you guys know what Friday is?  I mean other than Friday? 

It's the day I go to my doctor and pick my daughter's birthday off a calendar.

My mom keeps showing up at my house with pink things - reminding me that I have a new little bundle of joy closing in on me, and I keep pretending I have plenty of time to get everything ready for Vivian.  And, in theory, I guess I do.  

Except that I have Thanksgiving (at my house), my anniversary with Jimmy, Christmas (probably at my house), and New Years (at my house) to get through.  That means family gatherings, presents, school functions, gift wrapping, shopping, parties, decorating, you know - general festiveness and merriment for the next 6 weeks.  That's in addition to the job and the raising of the children and the taking care of the (what feels like) enormous house and laundry Everest.

So, assuming my doctor is serious about this 37 weeks business, I'm going to be focused on taking care of one or all of those things from now until, like, the month she is going to be born.  Just writing that makes me hyper-ventilatey.

I had planned to finish painting her room this weekend, but Gavin had a virus, and Michael didn't take him for his weekend, and, well, there is no painting getting done with my sweet baby Gavin around.  As much as I love him, he isn't particularly helpful when I'm trying to be productive in any form or fashion.

And the next six weeks aren't looking good for me either.  So, you know, last minute mom as usual.

And I'm not as enormous at this juncture as I usually am.  I mean, you can definitely tell I'm pregnant, but I'm not swelling and feeling miserable and unable to sleep.  So, I'm not all, GET THIS KID OUT OF ME! just yet.  I'm sort of more like, "hey, girl, if you could keep that foot out of that rib, it'll be totally fine if you just hang out in there for another 6 months until I'm anywhere near ready for taking on another newborn.  K, thanks."  

Maybe by week 34 I'll be a little more ready to evict, but right now, I am just not.

That brings me to another thing I have to at least attempt to do before I have Vivian.  That is, procure a vehicle large enough to fit 3 chillins and 2 adults into.  My Jeep was purchased for me.  As in, it's not in my name.  (Although I totally make the payments every month - let us not get that twisted).  So, in the divorce paperwork, a clause was added giving me a year to pay it down and get rid of it.  The year is about to expire.  And the Jeep isn't big enough for everyone anyway, so it's really a good time.  (I admit that grudgingly because it was a major point of contention in January.)

What's left of my youth is screaming at me to buy a bigger SUV or a king cab truck or even an extra large sedan.  My practicality is saying, just hang it up and buy the damn minivan already.  (Sigh.)  Jimmy and I both have friends who work for car dealerships, so maybe it won't come to that.  (I'm really sorry if you drive a minivan and I am offending you right now.  Truly, truly sorry.  I know they are great for all kinds of reasons.  I just don't wanna!)

What all of this boils down to is that I'm nervous, you guys.  All of this change barreling toward me, and I'm not sure I'm ready.  Worse, I'm not sure my kids are ready.

And then, on the flip side, how much have I wanted a daughter for the last 6.5 years?  

You have no idea how much I adore raising boys.  It is so special to have sons.  I feel truly grateful to have Silas and Gavin, and I cherish every moment with them.  I literally wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  If I had never had another girl, I would have still known that I was blessed beyond measure.

But to be given a second chance at raising a daughter in addition to having two healthy sons?  I am at a loss for words.

The path my life has taken is incredible.  Had I handpicked the outcome of the events of my life, I couldn't have brought myself to a more perfect, beautiful place.  I would have chosen everything wrong in an effort to avoid heartache and loss and pain.  But out of all of those things came perfection.  Looking at my life right now, I cannot complain about a single thing.  I have more than everything I have ever wanted, and Vivian's birth will be the icing on the cake.

So, I know the nerves will subside, and she will be born, and we will bring her home, and the boys will adjust to her and fall in love with her, and our family will be a little bigger and full of just that much more love.  

I know it will all fall into place.  Even if it falls into place from the driver's seat of a minivan.