Thankful 2013

Yesterday, at work, walking down the hall, a co-worker passed me, stopped in her tracks, turned around and said, "Michelle, you have that glow.  I mean you really look happy!"

My happiness is apparently written all over my face, and I am glad about that.  Feeling this good is something I want to share with the world.

There were years when I was constantly asking, "what is wrong with me? why can't I be happy?"  No matter what I did, I couldn't find a balance in life where I felt like I was happy more days than not.

I kept thinking, "if only this, then I would be happy."  But this wasn't going to change on its own, and even when I did muster up the effort to change one thing, there were still all these other things looming at me.

And then I finally figured out that I had some changes to make on multiple levels of my life.  If I wanted to be happy, then I was going to have to dial it up in the doing stuff department.  Getting on my blog and whining wasn't fixin' nothin'. 

One of the biggest things to change was that I came out of last year no longer needing to ask, "what is wrong with me?" because the answer is: nothing.  I'm human, and I had some mistakes to make and lessons to learn and some changes to implement and some medications to adjust.  And that is exactly what I have spent the last two years doing.

I was in an unhappy marriage.  I got out of it.

I was fighting constant anxiety and depression.  I got professional help.

I didn't like my body.  I lost weight.

I didn't like the way I presented myself in public.  I started making an effort.

I felt like a failure as a parent.  I got counseling and, well, we'll call this a work in progress.  But I can assure you it is worlds better than it was 2 years ago.

I was not financially stable.  Ok, another work in progress.  But it is in progress, and I am feeling positive about the progress being made and the plans in the works to pay off bills and cut costs where I can.  Those plans seem solid and sustainable long term, and just the fact that I am focusing on it and trying to do something about it in itself helps me sleep better at night.

I think I'm always going to be someone who is hard on herself (most of us are naturally our own worst critics.  Well, unless we are named Kanye - the man works my nerves.  I digress.) and anxiety prone and guilt prone.  As far as I can tell, I'm just hard wired that way.  

But I think I have also come to realize that there are degrees of those things.  I was living in such a way as to put so much pressure on myself not to fail (again) or hurt or disappoint anyone that I craaaaaaaaaaaaacked under that pressure, and I was a horrible, horrible mess of a human being.  

And then somehow something or someone or (most likely) a collection of someones finally got through to me that not only do I not have to be perfect, I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try, so I may as well just figure out how to be happy.  I had to sit down and really assess my life and refuse to allow myself to make anymore excuses.  I was full of : "I can't go to therapy/the gym/the doctor because I don't have the time or money."  

I found the time and the money and, voila, my life began to improve.  The entire time Michael and I were going through our divorce, he was so irritated with me for choosing that time to change.  For choosing then to finally work on all the things that had made me so unhappy.  And that is fair.  It was a large contributing factor to our split.  But maybe the split was the catalyst.  Maybe being stuck with myself with no one to blame my misery on but myself was the wake up call I needed.

Whatever it was, I literally cannot think back to the very beginning of having memories and remember a time in my life where I was this happy.  Truly, deep down, get up in the morning grateful for my life every day happy.

So, how can I not also be  incredibly thankful?  For that happiness, for my two beautiful, incredible, healthy sons, for my daughter who is on the way, for a family who loves me and bends over backward to help me, for friends who are loyal and loving and full of laughter, for a boyfriend who showed up and just turned into family like he belonged there all along, for a job where I feel valued and appreciated and wanted, for a home that feels truly like my home, and for all the moments and mistakes and choices and lessons that led to having all of this.

I hope all of you who read this either have this kind of happiness or are on your way to figuring out how to have it because I want nothing less for all the people I love.

Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving!