Better

There is just not much time to blog these days.

Since the last thing I talked about was my new meds, I'll update you on that.

To sum it up: my give a damn done got up and went.  Mostly that is a good thing.

For example:
The momfail moments?  Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuch less frequent.  It is amazing how much more I enjoy my children and am able to spend real, quality time with them now that I'm not obsessing about things I can't control or things that I can control but that really aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.  I can just put things on hold that aren't absolutely necessary and sit in the floor and play with them or talk to them or read to them.  I can focus on meeting their needs/demands one at a time when they are all screaming/clammoring/climbing me like a jungle gym (whereas before I would lose it completely in a situation like that, and even if I kept my composure, I'd be internally seething with anger - but no longer).  I can completely overlook the things that used to drive me crazy and just laugh at their silliness and revel in their childlike behavior.

Remember a while back when I told you I had not been able to stop obsessing about money since my first panic attack in college?  Yes, well, I have found the magical cure for that.  For the last almost decade and a half, I have started worrying and obsessing and figuring and planning and crazy-making about my bills far in advance of pay day.  Now?  I don't worry about my bills until we get paid.  Then I immediately pay everything that is due out of that check and move on with my life.  Sometimes we have more money left over than other times.  Sometimes it gets seriously tight between paychecks.  But I am finally able to embrace the fact that everything has been okay financially for my entire life and everything will be okay going forward.  One way or another, we'll keep a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, gas in our tanks, and my kids will have everything they need.

Television does not mess with me as bad.  Certain anxieties creep up on me now and then when I'm watching certain things.  For instance, an episode of Cops where a two year old got hit by a car that I watched while my boys were with their dad almost sent me into a tailspin.  But most of the time, I am far more able to rationalize with myself.  And when that doesn't work I say a prayer for, say, my children's safety - especially while in the care of others - and leave it with God.

One thing I didn't realize I obsessed about until I wasn't obsessing about it anymore was making mistakes at work.  I'm pretty good at my job, but I'm also human.  I make mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  And while it is actually a pretty infrequent occurrence, I used to become paralyzed with fear that even the slightest (very fixable) mistake was going to cost me my job (I'm sure you can imagine the tumble down the rabbit hole that that provoked).  Now, I am better able to put my mistakes in perspective, fix them, and move on with my day.

Most importantly, I can let the trivial things go.  

Child: "Mom, I spilled X/broke Y/lost Z."
Me: "It's okay.  We can clean it up, fix/replace it, look for it together."

That is the kind of parent I have always wanted to be.  I just want to let my kids be kids and know it's totally okay to make mistakes, spill things, break things, lose things - not be perfect.  I don't want to give them anxiety disorders of their own.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy much less those who are most beloved to me.  And I was seriously getting concerned about Silas.

So, the best thing about this has been watching my kids relax and enjoy spending time with me more.  It has been setting a good example for them of how to react in the face of adversity or making a mistake.  It has done wonders for my relationships with them.

This medication has not made me a zombie.  I can still cry, but I don't cry at the drop of a hat.  I can still get angry, but I have a good reason or can quickly rationalize the situation if I don't.  I still worry, but it's over normal things and it's worrying, not obsessing.  And I can absolutely still feel love and joy and excitement and pride.  I actually feel like the total opposite of a zombie.  I feel like I'm engaged in life again.

My kids are incredible.  Each of them has qualities and characteristics unique unto themselves.  I'm happy they have a better mom now.  Not a perfect mom by any means but definitely a much better mom.  And I will fight to keep being this person or a better person than this for them.  

I will try to write more about what is going on in our lives.  Just wanted to say that things are really good right now (in the most long-winded way possible).