Oh to be normal

What I initially thought was the baby blues or my hormones readjusting finally came to a head last week.  

By Thursday, I told Jimmy (and I quote) "It's like I want to claw my own skin off to get out of my body."  It was the only way I knew how to put it into words, and even that was not an adequate description of how desperate I was to get away from who I had become.

I don't really understand how my brain works or how changes in my hormones affect it. 

But what I began to notice was that I was either always bogged down and tearing myself apart - up, down- and sideways (depression) or agonizing and obsessing over things that were out of my control (anxiety).  I realized that I had lost all ability to live in the present.

I was right back to the angry, bitter, self-loathing person I thought I had shed last year.  I told Jimmy over and over again that I needed my medication adjusted.  I knew I wasn't right anymore, and I could feel it getting progressively worse.  

A few weeks ago, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but they could not get me in until July.  I thought I could grin and bear it until then.  And maybe I could have.  But the thing about depression and anxiety is that they aren't just an internal war affecting only you.  They affect everyone around you.

The people in my home deserve a much better version of me than what they were getting.  I literally couldn't stand myself, so I can't imagine what it must have been like to live with me.  Jimmy was as patient and kind and understanding as he always is.  Never once did he get angry with me, and when I would apologize over and over again and cry and swear to him I wasn't being that way on purpose, he would just comfort me and tell me he knows the real me and that he knew I wasn't doing any of it on purpose.  He would encourage me to do what I needed to do to get well again.

Just to pause here for a moment - this is an excellent example of how to treat anyone in your life who is struggling with anxiety/depression.  I assure you they are not doing it on purpose.  I assure you, they want desperately to just be normal again.

Finally, on Thursday, I broke down and made an appointment with Jimmy's PCP for the next morning.  I was sitting in my office unable to function and drowning in a pool of my own tears.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  

When I went in and talked to the doctor about the medication I was on and what was going on with me, he came up with a plan to get my medication adjusted and told me he'd work with me to make sure I stayed balanced.  So, I added another medication to what I have already been taking for over a year.

By yesterday afternoon, Jimmy said, "you have done a complete 180."  And I have.  I feel like a different person.  The racing in my head, the constant negative self-talk, the constant panicky feeling, the overwhelming irritability are gone.

When Gavin and Vivian were both having meltdowns at the same time yesterday, I was fine.  When I got stuck in traffic behind a wreck, I was fine.  When I thought/talked about the wedding, I was fine.

For now, I am okay again.  I am finally capable of fully living in the present again.

There are some people who have said to me they have coped with their depression by exercising and listening to upbeat music.  

I'm not a doctor, but to that I say this: When I use the word "depression", I'm not talking about having a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month.  I'm not talking about being bummed out.  I'm using the clinical term.  It is not something I can control or snap out of.  It doesn't matter how many happy thoughts I try to think or how many Brittany Spears albums I play on repeat or how many miles I jog.  It's not going away without professional intervention.  

Luckily for me, I have been dealing with this long enough to know what is normal for me and what is not.  But not everyone who is struggling with depression and/or anxiety has any freaking clue what is happening to them.  For the longest time, I just thought that was who I was and it was never going to change.  

Even after I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder, I thought it was something I would take medication for once for a while and then I'd be done with it.  Like the flu or strep throat.  It has been a long, slow learning process to understand that these are things I am going to have to monitor and work with a doctor over for the rest of my life.

So, my advice (and I'm sorry I'm forever shoving this down your throat, but it is just so important to me) is to please encourage those in your life who you know or think could genuinely be dealing with these issues to seek help through the proper channels.  Trivializing what they are enduring can make it so much worse.  We value the opinions of those we love, and when you already think you are going crazy or are struggling with "why can't I just snap out of this?!", having someone you love confirm your negative thoughts is quite detrimental. 

To those who judge people who take medication, I say, I will do whatever I have to do and face whatever judgment and stigma I have to face to be the kind of person my family deserves.  Not everyone has figured that out yet, so give them a chance to see what works for them.

And to those who say just give it to God...I do.  And God then sends me to medical professionals who He called to that profession to help those who come to Him desperately seeking to be healed.

Getting help can be the difference between life and death for some people, and my hope for those people is that there are people in their lives who will push them to seek that help and not further discourage them.